The Need to Be Right

The need to be right or to win is a “need” I’ve had for a long time. Some of this perceived need probably stems from an innate sense of survival, but it also is a result of what I’ve have been exposed to throughout my life. I think the same is true for everyone. The best performers in school get the better jobs. The winners of the baseball game get the prize. The best grades get the higher income. The examples are numerous and supported by the commercials we see, the recognition we receive when we win, and often even the children’s stories we read as kids. Being right often becomes more important than anything else. For me it has come close to costing relationships I really do not want to end.

Sparring is a part of my martial arts training. When I spar, my Type A personality often shows up and fights to win. It is humbling for me to remember that I fight better when I’m trying to do my best and not when I’m trying to win.

Knowing why I need to be right has helped me to begin to make a change in this not-always-wanted behavior. When I recognize that I am acting or reacting a certain way simply because I am driven to be right, I try to ask myself what is driving the behavior and why I believe I absolutely must be right. Am I afraid of the consequences of being wrong? Am I concerned I might be ridiculed, teased or rejected? Am I worried that I will leave myself vulnerable for attack? Actually, I guess all of these are reasons behind my behavior. The ironic thing is that acting like I’m right causes these things I fear.

Not proving I am correct does not mean I am not right. It just means that I don’t have to engage in a debate about it. Instead I’m trying harder to save the need to defend my position for the really important issues.